On the overnight train to Cape Town, Essie and Albert filled up the cabin next to mine. Essie ~ a large breasted woman in her 60s, able to get around slowly with a stick, called out to me: “’Elloo! Can you help us open the window?”

Her husband, Albert, sat slumped on the plastic covered burgundy seat opposite her. He eyed the window. I noticed his soft-bearded face, silver-rimmed glasses and short grey hair. Essie and Albert were surrounded by suitcases and plastic bags full of snacks for the long journey.

“Sure. Of course.”

Albert awkwardly moved out of the way. I gingerly maneuvered past the cases and bags. The sun was bright outside so it made sense to me that they’d want to enjoy the breeze.

“We’re on our way to see our son and his family,” Essie offered up with a thick South African accent while I grappled with the stuck window, “It’s our first visit. My husband is very sick so we wanted to go while there’s still time.”

The window cracked. Yes. Progress. It slid the rest of the way down.

Everyone was relieved.

I returned back to the doorway waiting for Essie to continue. Albert adjusted back into his seat. Then I noticed a pack of cigarettes and lighter sitting on the brown formica table between them.

The neural pathways in my brain started overlapping and leaping in new directions, something here didn’t make sense. But then Essie spoke:

“Albert has cancer,” she whispered. Her sadness was palpable, “In his throat and other places.”

“Tumors,” Albert muttered wistfully through his grey whiskers, still staring in the direction of the now open window.

I swallowed my emotions and glanced back at the pack of cigarettes.

Essie saw me look and it seemed to jolt her back into the present moment. Reminding her of something she’d been meaning to ask:

“Oh! Do you know if there’s somewhere to smoke on this train?”

Whah?! Who’s…? Oh. Again, brain overload.

The best I could do was oddly hope she was asking for herself.

“I don’t,” I was really trying to not sound exasperated, “There are no-smoking signs everywhere. Probably for the best?!”

Essie ignored my comment, “Ah. Albert can’t walk very far. He’ll just have to put his head out of the window.”

And that was that. Matter of fact.

Right in front of me. Albert killing himself, and Essie supporting him as if she were offering an act of love.

I realized that opening the window was not to let the warm breeze in, nor to feel closer to the beauty of the South African landscape. Nope. It was for Albert to feed his addiction.

Later that night I heard his flemmy hacking, that lung-collapsing-cough that only a smoker has. By the next morning I was regularly smelling smoke. It was cold. They didn’t want the window open anymore. So now I was smoking, too.

My best guess is that Albert doesn’t want to die and leave Essie and his family. But there’s a disconnect between his illness and the cigarettes. Plus it’s a habit, an addiction, so it’s got him thinking and behaving in warped ways.

Most of us struggle with something…

It could be staying in a soul-sucking job, shopping, smoking, drinking, binge eating at night, or re-doing your mani-pedi every weekend. It could be yelling at someone we love, keeping a wall up with people we care for, mean self-talk, or complaining. These are all habits that have a detrimental effect on us, and those we care about, in the long-term.

But here’s the thing ~ these habits love to convince us that they’re helping us. But in reality they’re gas lighters, abusers, life-depletors and they care nothing for the quality of our life. Plus. They’re not going away until you decide they are.

I’m clearly not an addiction specialist so I won’t pretend to be. Some habits need therapeutic attention to be kicked. And others can be faced and changed if there’s a strong enough desire for something better.

When we’re brave enough to look at parts of ourselves that we’re most ashamed of, we start to change them and free ourselves from their grip. Most people wait until they’re feeling more pain than pleasure before they confront a bad habit. And as time goes on, bad habits start to feel like firm friends.

So you’ve got to be up for the journey of change. Well, only if you want more. But really, six months or so of discomfort or another ten years of the same? Which would you prefer?

You can handle your life, there is a solution for the problem you’re facing, and it’s closer than you think otherwise you wouldn’t even be aware of its existence.

3 STEPS TO GET STARTED

Step 1 ~ Run, leap, sprint, hop-scotch your way out of denial

Taylor had to stop pretending that the sinking feeling she felt whenever she saw her boss would be solved by a coffee and pastry. Andre had to stop pretending that his cell phone was helping him deal with how disappointed he felt in himself for not taking the professional risk he wanted. Yvonne had to stop pretending that working longer hours was helping her relationship problem in any real way.

Take a look at your own “cigarette” habit. Look at it straight on and acknowledge that if this were a game you are most definitely losing. Then acknowledge that there is an answer out there and you’re about to start taking back control by finding it.

Step 2 ~ Be grateful for how this habit has helped you

I imagine that at some point smoking helped Albert. It was a tool he needed. Then maybe there came a time when he didn’t need it anymore but the habit, the addiction, had already settled into his life.

Remember back to when you started your habit, write down how it helped you. Track how its role has morphed and changed over time.

What do you notice?

Thank your “cigarette”. Call to mind all the ways it has helped and soothed you. Be genuinely grateful (no judging or criticizing allowed here).

Step 3 ~ Mourn

Let yourself feel what it would be like to no longer lean on this habit. Imagine life without it. Feel how scared, disoriented, frustrated, angry or apathetic you become.

Write, talk to a friend, record yourself on your phone ~ express how you feel.

Start a sentence with: “If I didn’t have this habit to help me I would…” Write, talk and feel for 15minutes. Not just the positive stuff, but the stuff that’s freaking you out and keeping you hanging on.

At the end of 15minutes write one thing you’re proud of … about You. Then stop and get on with your life.

Continue the “cigarette” habit if you like.

Then two days later, spend another 15minutes writing or recording or sharing with a friend (they’re only allowed to listen, no ‘advising’!), and end by writing down something else you’re proud of.

Repeat two days after that. Keep going until you’re empty.

BONUS Step 4 ~ Get some support

If it’s hard to kick the habit (only you really know who’s really in control) and it’s messing with your life then swallow your pride and get some help. It doesn’t have to cost a fortune. Some of my clients also have psychotherapy support. It can be the perfect marriage with coaching. If your friends don’t know anyone, ask me. If I don’t, then ask Google. Key words will save you a lot of time. Then start interviewing…

~~~~

I’m frustrated with Albert. I hate to see a good life being wasted. And I can’t imagine the pain he’s in physically. He’s also hurting others. He’s probably an interesting man with a heck of a story to tell. But I also feel compassion because I don’t think he really understands what’s happening. Just like billions of people all around the world, living their lives without awareness.

Awareness is step one. It’s the beginning of your way out. And it’s a luxury. It’s afforded to those of us who either have enough of our basic needs met and/or are educated to a certain level. And if you’re lucky enough to want more for your life and for that to be within reach, then you’re probably going to make a positive difference in the world. So don’t let some old, out-dated habit stand in your way. None of us want to get old and look back with regret. If you’re aware of what you want and where you’re getting in your own way, you’ve been given a gift.

Don’t waste it.