This article is for those of you who struggle with difficult feelings that might get harder at certain times of year. Or perhaps you live with them every day.
Feeling depressed or lost, down, apathetic, directionless, stuck is the norm for millions of people around the world. And yet it’s barely talked about.
Take your meds, stop complaining, realize how good you have it compared to those who have nothing, ‘think’ your way out of it… Blah blah blah. None of this helps. In fact it serves to leave people feeling more isolated and like there’s something wrong with them. Which there isn’t.
For ease, in this article I will refer to all of these feelings as “depression” ** (see note at end).
Because they’re all part of a spectrum. And feel horrible no matter where on the scale you are.
***
A lot of us feel a general pressure to do better, be better, be nicer, be stronger, live purposefully, take more risks, be braver…
Many of us are judging ourselves chronically and daily.
So if you’ve been having a rough time, here’s a hug from me to you…
Feelings of depression often accompany a sense that you’re destined for something else or something more but either will never be able to have it (a lie) or will never know what it is (an ego trap).
Some people are waiting for someone to say to them:
“I got you – now go for it”
“It’s okay if you f**k up, you won’t be alone”
“You don’t have to do that anymore”
“No – it doesn’t have to perfect”
“You deserve to feel happy”
“You are worthy”
“You are enough”
Waiting for permission or approval before they’re willing to stop pretending to be someone they’re not.
LIANG’S STORY
Recently I was hired by Liang to help him navigate a complicated and, honestly, unhealthy corporate culture. He’s a VP at one of the huge multi-national corporations. You know, the ones many want on their resumes because they show credibility. The ones that are often (not always) sucking the life out of their employees.
Anyway, Liang wanted to improve his leadership skills, especially managing Up – his supervisors. He was already quite skilled and relatively confident at managing Down.
So we began.
Early on it became very clear why he’d lost confidence in his abilities to work effectively with supervisors. He’d been choosing jobs with well-known companies, and cultures that were, frankly, toxic and not likely to grow anyone’s potential.
Liang was a skillful and natural leader who was consistently choosing bosses who micro-managed, focused on his failings, didn’t listen to his ideas, and had him working crazy hours. And he falsely believed that his career would be over if he didn’t stick out the unspoken, but often expected, two to three years of employment.
That’s a long time in a toxic culture…
I asked him if the dynamic with these bosses, and how he felt with them, was at all familiar. And he paused for a while before looking at me, quite surprised, and said:
“Yes! It’s like my relationship with my father.”
And that was the start of a shift. Because Liang isn’t really a corporate guy striving to climb the ladder.
Not in his heart.
In his heart he wants to lead large numbers of people and do mission-driven socially responsible work in the world.
He’ll always make money because he’s wired (and qualified) that way. But now he’s looking to pivot his skills into organizational cultures where he can be mentored and set up to succeed.
And that means letting go of some pretty ingrained identities… The pressure he’s taken on from his family to be an executive of a particular kind, and build wealth in a particular way. Pressure to marry a particular kind of woman, and behave in a particular kind of way. His family want security for him, but he’s now finding there are other options that don’t demand he give up so much of himself…
Liang has to let go of trying to be someone he’s not, and be willing to risk losing the approval of his family in the process. This, for him, was a big risk – and it’s why he approached me for leadership development rather than career change. He wasn’t initially aware of what was driving him.
Becoming aware of what’s driving us can change literally everything.
A FAMILIAR STORY
Liang’s story is a common one, and you know what he suffered from?
Daily anxiety, occasional insomnia, people-pleasing, stress, self-doubt, low confidence, being single (not what he wanted), ongoing back pain, and a general feeling of being down. Liang was separated from this true self – which meant he felt a form of depression.
So when I say “depression and the only real solution” I’m not saying it lightly. I’m not diagnosing, and I’m certainly not minimizing.
But for those of us that struggle and struggle and struggle with difficult feelings that drain the light out of our eyes and chip away at the hope in our hearts – we must find a way to start living in alignment with who we really are. And we might not know exactly who that is.
So your only job is to reintroduce yourself to You. Invite the parts of yourself that you’ve hidden away start to come out from underground into the daylight.
No. It’s not easy, especially if you’ve been in hiding for a while. But the Only way out is in your hands, which is the good and the bad news all at the same time. And you don’t need anyone’s permission but your own.
Well okay – if you do, here’s mine – You have full permission to start being more You!
You got this.
Speaking as a woman who’s struggled with feeling down, with self-confidence challenges, and with record- breaking levels of self-criticism – I can relate. But I keep exploring and seeking and – to be honest – healing, and as a result I’ve taken huge risks with my life and career over the years. All in service of breaking out of societal, familial and eventually self-perpetuated ideas of who I should be.
And whenever I’ve followed my (what seems like) crazy gut instinct, it has Always led me closer to a more honest expression of me, and things have wound up being much better. Each time I do my own excavating, I reclaim a part of myself and I feel better and find I’m in service more freely.
Trust me – if I can do it, you definitely can and you’ll feel a whole lot better.
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
Here are some initial ideas, although in my experience each person needs something different…
- Start to journal – write about what you want and why you can’t have it, write about how you feel about different areas of your life, write about who you ‘think’ you might be and who you wish you were; draw pictures, go for walks, reflect, reflect, reflect.
- Do what you really know you need to do… If that means finding someone to hold space and guide you through the difficult stuff… do that. I can promise you it’s Not as scary nor complicated as you Believe it’s going to be. Start getting to know yourself again. And don’t stop. Turn IN if you want to turn on.
- Set one – only one – goal that gets your heart rate up and give yourself a year to achieve it. One goal. You can do that.
- Get the heck out of relationships in any area of your life that are causing you to silence who you are. Go find some people – there are plenty of them – who’ll lift you up and encourage you to make the difficult changes.
This kind of action-taking – regardless of how you’re feeling – is the only real solution to shifting feelings of depression.
And guess whose hands all of this is in?
- Even though it might not feel that way.
- Even though you might have convinced yourself that everyone else can but you definitely can’t.
- Even though you might have no tangible evidence.
It’s in your hands.
And your life is going by anyway, and it’s precious – just as you are; and the world is extraordinary, and people are mostly good.
So no more waiting. Permission granted. It’s time to climb out and up.
Plus – if you’re reading this, it’s very likely that you feel you have something good to contribute to the world. But until you reclaim You, this isn’t going to be possible. You can’t freely Give to others until you’ve given You back to you.
You’re not alone.
It’s time.
** Important Additional Note: Ongoing/chronic depression can be a side effect of PTSD or C-PTSD. When deeper trauma destroys a person’s sense of personal safety the trauma must be addressed for real progress to be made. In circumstances like this, a combination of not-just-talk therapy with a highly experienced therapist, AND coaching with someone who can relate, empathize and tune in to the right pace and needs of the client – can be a powerful support system that enables lasting positive change.
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