A cricket. An insect (family: Gryllidae) related to the grasshopper. The male produces a characteristic rhythmical chirping sound. At some point, we’ve all heard crickets. Whether during a silent moment out in nature, or as part of a documentary or movie.
And then there’s crickets. A term used to describe when someone goes silent via not responding to an email, text, call, CB radio or smoke signal. Used in a sentence, one might say: “Hmmmm. I reached out and all I got back was crickets.” In other words, Man Overboard! You were there, and now you’re not.
It’s too easy really. In a society that values nicety and keeping the peace over a good fist fight; where the question “How are you?” terrifies us right into “Fine”; and where we measure what’s really possible by comparing ourselves to Oprah and the Dalai Lama. It’s easy to avoid. And who can blame us for wanting to run at the speed of light from any potential discomfort? Most of us haven’t been taught how to handle the difficult stuff.
What’s All This Got To Do With Crickets?
Let’s see… Jane and Sarah are both successful, smart professional women. They meet at a work conference and decide to get together to know each other better and collaborate. So they have brunch at Ellen’s Country Cafe and right around the second mimosa it just felt right for Jane to make Sarah a promise. A couple of days later, the mid-morning champagne haze had waned, replaced by an iced caramel macchiato with extra caramel and whipped cream hangover and her ‘regular’ life – and Jane is hedging.
Uh-oh. So what does she do?
Jane doesn’t know what to do. Unfortunately for her, she skipped the Conflict Management class in third grade and is absolutely convinced that saying anything about this change of heart will cause Sarah to flee their newly budding friendship, crumple into a sobbing mess, or worse, reprimand her just like Mrs Smith her swimming teacher did in front of the entire class that time she brought a frog to the pool as it ‘didn’t have a home’.
Then there’s Sarah. Who’s either checking emails every hour to see if Jane has followed up on her promise, or finds the courage to send a gentle “Hey, it’s okay if you’ve changed your mind, just would like to hear from you!”. She, too, doesn’t want to upset Jane or harm their new friendship in any way (ummm, that’s already happening) and is starting to feel like she’s being a pest. But when Jane doesn’t respond, Sarah becomes the unfortunate recipient of… crickets.
We Work With What We’ve Got
Even though we worry about damaging the personal and professional relationship that we’re in the process of damaging, we can only handle the feeling of indecision quick sand for so long. At some point, we humans can’t bear the dissonance any longer. What does that mean? It means we have to make a decision, get off the pot, and get the heck away from our discomfort. And for that we are proudly armed with a shed of the wrong tools. Crickets is one of most appealing because we don’t have to face the other person; we just stop responding.
How It Plays Out
Jane gets busy attempting to mentally re-frame her previous generous offer so that she can feel better: “I’ll tell Sarah I never received her emails,” (modification); “I didn’t really mean to promise that, we barely know each other! If she thinks about it she can see that, and has probably forgotten about it anyway,” (reframing); “‘Everyone’ does this so why not me?” (rationalization); “I have PLENTY of other friends, and she’s clearly really really busy,” (search) “What promise?” (denial).
Meanwhile, Sarah is busy cramming putty into the giant gaps in her understanding: “Jane must be sooo busy”, “Maybe I was asking too much?” “Oh no, there were all those ‘signs’ I missed”, “Maybe Internet in the entire city is down,” or worse “Maybe she was attacked by wild hyenas and is currently in hospital about to breathe her final breath”.
Bottom line: no-one is talking.
We Had A Good Thing Going
The thing is, neither Jane nor Sarah really believe their own creative storytelling and this issue is now a trust-eraser between them. An elephant in the room that’s spraying dirty pond water all over a relationship that had a lot of promise.
That is crickets. Two people were communicating just fine, and then they weren’t. Why? Because one of them changed their mind and didn’t know how to tell the other. Something so small and our story ends up with two smart, strong grown women on their knees praying that they never see each other again. Because how on earth would they handle that?!
An Alternate Ending…
Dear Sarah,
I really enjoyed our brunch yesterday/last week, we should make it a regular thing. You have such an interesting story and a great sense of humor!
There’s potential for a good relationship here, I can feel it 🙂 Because of that I want to start out in the right way… You know how I made you that promise? Well, here’s the thing – I can’t keep it and I’ve been really worried about telling you that because I’d like us to stay connected and supporting each other.
Phew. I said it.
I have about as much time as a firefighter in a forest fire right now, and truth be told, I was over-extending myself by offering.
I promise I’m not like lettuce, I do get better with time.
Yours with fingers crossed for a positive outcome,
Jane
If you say or write something along those lines, you’ll find out very quickly the calibre of person you’re dealing with. And I think that’s always better to know up front that later. Don’t you?
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