According to the Harvard Business Review, emotional intelligence is one of the defining qualities of a good leader. It can take a person of somewhat “average” abilities and transform them into an effective and successful part of any organization.

“In his research at nearly 200 large, global companies, Goleman found that while the qualities traditionally associated with leadership—such as intelligence, toughness, determination, and vision—are required for success, they are insufficient. Truly effective leaders are also distinguished by a high degree of emotional intelligence, which includes self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skill.”

On the easy days, enthusiasm for our work can carry us through anything. We see that difficult colleague or employee as one of our allies which can take the edge off the fact that they have showed up late twice this week and that report is still past due. When the working relationship is going smoothly we seem to find the right words at the right time and, perhaps most importantly, say them with the right tone. We give more, we feel more confident; we’re heard, received and positively responded to.

These days are great, but what about the days that are a little more challenging?  When we’re faced with the unavoidable difficulties that come up in working relationships and invite us to really think before we explode?

People put a lot of stock in IQ, but EQ is often even more important. When any relationship (whether professional or personal) is being stretched, this is where Emotional Intelligence, or “EQ”, comes into play. This skill is vital to any ongoing functional, dynamic and profitable professional relationship.

What is EQ?

EQ is the ability to make rational choices during emotional times.

It can be difficult to ignore the emotions you feel – and you shouldn’t – but you can’t let them lead and dictate your response. For example, you’re furious that your co-worker on a big project is late again– really late – and you wish you could let it go, but you just can’t.

You have a couple of options: you can allow your emotions to take over and lose your cool with them, or you can try effective communication that might inspire a behavior shift (let’s face it, not everyone is interested in being a team player).

Four Steps to Better Communication

Step 1   Breathe. It seems so easy, right? Just breathe in and out. Maybe try counting to 10 while you do it. Whatever your method, the point is to breathe slowly. This may intensify the emotion initially, and if you allow yourself to feel it, it will eventually pass. Like a wave. Ultimately this can create a space between you and the part of you that wants to strangle your colleague.

Step 2   Decide on Timing. Is Now the best time to say what you need to say? Or would later be better? Later can be ten minutes to ten days. In some situations it can end up being ten years! Allow yourself to walk away and take a break if you know you might say something you regret, might down play your own needs, or are simply not clear about your approach.

Step 3   Take a moment and choose Who You Want to Be. When you look back on this moment how would you have like to show up? As an out-of-control angry person or someone who stayed in control of themselves and gave a thoughtful response?

You can always let it all out later…

Step 4   Find something positive about this person, anything – just one thing. I realise this can be hard to do in these moments, but give it a go. A quality you respect: their intelligence, unique sense of humor, cookie recipe, fashion sense, that most of the time they’re a good team player.

Focus on this good while you find a way to get back to connection with this person.